I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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