Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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