corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
