You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
