Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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