I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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