pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
