The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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