Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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