I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
