I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
