so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
