If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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