Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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