So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
These tits shall not be calmed
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
