My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize