My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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