i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
