I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
