god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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