i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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