I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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