This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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