I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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