Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize