She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
