Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
