I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
