I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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