I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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