woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize