i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
