WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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