I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
