I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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