Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
