i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
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