when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
