I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
