put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
