I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
