Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
