I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
