Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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