There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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