I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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