The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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