My first STD was from a foam party
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
we're making bets on your personal life
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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