omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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