Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
