third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
