I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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