you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize