thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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