Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
