Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
