True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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