well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The Olympian is in my bed
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