I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
