Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I need to calm my uterus...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
