I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
