So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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