Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
