Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
