OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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