you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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